Der Kaiser

I really miss her so, don’t ask me why, maybe it just me and my job, to stalk, to hunt, to kill… for 5 years I’ve been doing nothing, what a waste of time maybe you’d say, but I know what I’m doing regardless what they see until now…
Today I know for what reason that I am alive until now… To realize something like this, to get away from this feeling, but what is feeling anyway? I just know recently that, we humans possess something that we describe as ‘feeling’… Is to have something like a plus or minus that directs you for what will you do next, it can break you into pieces or put you together and strengthen you…

While listening to some old break heart song from high school, I did the same mistake like the one that I’ve already done 4 years ago…

To have feelings you must risk everything you have, make a decision out of feeling alone will make you realize that you could do better without it…
What is feeling anyway? What is the purpose of it? Will it make you happier? For the past 21 years I’ve been living without any of these, just try to mime it from anyone, placing the right reaction in the right situation, the right expression in the right occasion, sad when others sad, laugh when others laugh, sometimes I try to act it alone, and people would call me strange, strange to not having the same reaction, why?

The 17th years of my life is the turnover of my whole lifetime at least that what I think… I see someone that is very compatible to me, don’t ask me why I just knew it, you can call it a hunch for maybe it is… The truth is I see that particular someone just like an object, much more like objective… To learn what humans do, what humans think, what humans ‘feel’…

187 days observing her I notice that human comprise natural expression, from what I saw you must know when the right time to show it, and with exact disposition. Seeing her for that much time makes me think she is the perfect subject, after all I can observe her for 6 days a week 8 hours a day… Strangely enough I only understand what humans do when I see her others don’t… I don’t want people noticing me observing her, but discreet is what I am masterful for…

Time goes by, 200th day watching her makes me believe that humans conduct activities based on what they think too, not pure instinct… That is the day when I possess heart and brain partial functioning, something that you already have maybe…

250th day is the day my heart skips a beat again, the first one is the 1st day I see her… That day I can’t do anything as the way it should be… I think I am sick… Maybe it was because that day she shows her boyfriend’s photos to me, I don’t ask for it, but maybe she feels something strange from me, so she did that to make me back down from what I’m doing… But what the heck I’m not interested in her in that kind of way anyway, but why my heart skips a beat then?

355th day, graduation day, the day I discover the human expression of anxious, that day I notice her parents, a lively couple just like she did… Then I think that people do inherit heritage from their elders, what am I then? Do I possess what my parents have? That day I saw her differently, just plain different…

365th day, the day I met her for the last time in high school life, from that day I know what it really means to miss someone, for another 3 months, then I see her again on our school anniversary day, she asks me why I’m being more tanner than before, not prepared for an answer I remain silent for the day, did she notice me? or is it just a chit chat? From that experience I do know how to express shame…

A week or so, she said to me that I kept bothering her, then she said that it’s better for me to keep away from her as she already had a boyfriend, "what the heck" I said to myself, did she thinks that I want her to be mine, no not like that, I still sees her as my subject for human developing. The first time experiencing desperation, I told her the reason why my heart skips a beat two times… "I love you dearly, I don’t want anything from you, I just want you to know that I love you, that’s all, If you want to get rid of me, fine then, at least I said this for yours truly" I said that to her… Then she never noticed me again, never… That’s October 2002 for me… My first confession to a girl, a girl with a boyfriend, and I kept saying that I just want to say it to her, maybe she think it was just a joke, as I am more than good to make people laugh for that I’m only capable of that doing… And it’s a bad joke, as her boyfriend already told me firstly to get away from her, and that day he pretends to be her friend, hah what a gutless man… I hope he changed for good, at least for her… That is the day I am in love, falling in love is the first day I met her…

I think it’s February 2003 I knew if she was single again, for some reason I am being happy (and it’s the first time I realize that I am happy), but then I think who will be there to watch and guide her, then I think she is fine by herself…
Everyday I hope and pray that she’ll be fine, many attempt to contact her rendered ineffective, as I placed spies and stalker anywhere near her. It is the first time I experienced sympathy, wanting to see someone so bad it would make you hitting a wall until it’s cracked… Anyhow it made me stronger… Then I realize, did I still think of her as a subject for developing me? Think again…

Days passes by, I saw her on several occasion in these past 4 years… July 2005 on my friend wedding day that I saw her as beautiful as ever… Believe it or not I could sense the meeting with her would occur that day from 3 months before, maybe it’s just a tough luck, but not for me…
Luckily I noticed her first (or maybe I think I was), then I could keep my distance from her, for not being seen is just my specialty, stood there a tall guy staring at me, at first I know that he related with her but in what way, I don’t know…
Scared of her seeing me, I keep a safe distance from her (10 metres to be exact), yeah there it is, the first time to express scared… Maybe I am scared of her for what will she do next if she sees me, or it is just me that really is a coward that time…
20:34 PM is the first time to see her in 3 years… The first time to feel something, to feel glad for seeing her alive and well and of course as grand as ever… That is the night I won’t forget for the rest of my life…

April 2006, present day, two days ago I miss her so much that I don’t know why I feel that way… That I could sat in the side of the road talking with my friend that maybe he thinks I’m surely an idiot for missing someone who hates me for 4 years, what the heck I don’t comprise the feeling or expression of hate…
Tonight the reason I miss her so much two days ago had been answered, exactly two days ago she gone steady again don’t know with who… Then reality smacks me in the head really hard, I think I feel something, it is sad, a feeling yet you don’t want to express in front of others who don’t know you well, as I sat here in front of my PC listening to DMB’s Space Between lyrics

"You cannot quit me so quickly

There’s no hope in you for me

No corner you could squeeze me

But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between

The tears we cry

Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more

The Space Between

The wicked lies we tell

And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me

Like ‘Will it rain today?’

Waste the hours with talking, talking

These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies

With warring hearts

What wild-eyed beast you be

The Space Between

The wicked lies we tell

And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?

Will I hold…

Look at us spinning out in

The madness of a roller coaster

You know you went off like a devil

In a church in the middle of a crowded room

All we can do, my love

Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The Space Between

Where you’re smiling high

Is where you’ll find me if I get to go

The Space Between

The bullets in our firefight

Is where I’ll be hiding, waiting for you

The rain that falls

Splash in your heart

Ran like sadness down the window into…

The Space Between

Our wicked lies

Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand

‘Cause we’re walking out of here

Oh, right out of here

Love is all we need here

The Space Between

What’s wrong and right

Is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you

The Space Between

Your heart and mine

Is the space we’ll fill with time

The Space Between…"

Yeah I admit it I feel sad for knowing her going steady with a guy, but I think she is happier that way, sincerely I happy for her…
Then again, it concludes me as well as she made me into this complete human being…
21 years 255 days at last I am a human or at least I think that I am…

Even so my hunt doesn’t ends here and now, to get rid of 17 you must do 17 at least that what I think…
Go figure…

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 20th, 2006 at 11:43 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.